


Gemstones

by yakuso5u



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 14:43:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11534391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yakuso5u/pseuds/yakuso5u
Summary: "Fallen gods… fallen gods in the east, and the idea makes Junsu’s lips twist in a wry smile."





	Gemstones

_“Idols are gemstones.”_

Junsu wrote that thought down a long, long while ago – while he was still young enough to think of life as a beautiful metaphor, but had also seen enough to understand the underside of the dream he had chosen.

Idols are gemstones – shining, precious, polished. Perfect… perfection is the reason why they exist. Their only purpose. Their rationale.

It has been drilled into his head the moment he stepped into his first audition room – this was no playground, not the place for half-assed ambitions, and definitely not one where he could shine “just as he was”. Indeed, Junsu was still young when he understood that never in his life would he get to stand in the spotlight _just as he was_.

Because he was not perfect, and idols exist for perfection. That’s what their entire being is desperately reaching for… every waking minute of days with too little sleep and no freedom to dream, every dance step rehearsed under sharp gazes and unforgiving criticism, every note sung over and over again until the very thought of singing ties knots in your stomach and the burn in your throat has you wondering if you’ll ever be _good enough_.

It’s not only about being _good enough_ though. You have to be polished. Smoothed. Rubbed down until only asperities remain, those tiny defects that connoisseurs will deem acceptable.

Idols are perfect yet faulty in the right ways. Junsu knows them, those “acceptable” flaws that fans can easily embrace, because it gives them reasons to believe they know the bad sides, the unglamorous days, the _real_ them – cautious hints that the idols in the spotlight in from of them are standing here _just as they are_. Carefully crafted flaws that became ridiculously stereotyped over the years, nurturing the biased images that Junsu started creating with his four bandmates the moment he became known to the world as Xiah Junsu.

 

There’s clumsiness of course. Easy, this one. Everyone likes a clumsy idiot and Jaejoong didn’t leave much room for competition in that respect. He claimed that one proud and loud, while fully aware that it’d mean he’d have to keep tripping over his own legs for the entirety of his future career. Also that it’d allow him to take it a little easier during dancing practices, which Junsu always resented.

Moodiness is all Yoochun’s. Again, uncontested. It gave Yoochun just the right excuse to be silent during interviews if he wanted to be melancholic, to be sulky for hours straight if he wanted to be depressed, to stop singing in the middle of a song if he wanted to be overwhelmed and to laugh like a maniac the next second, all while enjoying fans’ wholehearted blessings and fond understanding.

Forgetfulness… now for any of their fans, that one is an easy guess too, though Junsu knows firsthand that Yunho is anything but forgetful. He tends to lose his phone, yeah. But in reality not much more than your usual 20-something leader of an hugely popular idol group who’s busy running around all day despairing to keep up with Tetris-like schedules and worrying about the weight of that same hugely popular idol group’s future on his shoulders. If it had been up to him, Junsu would have put “anxiousness” as Yunho’s flaw but as it happened, one of them mentioned the phone incident once on a TV show and that one stayed with him until now. Forgetfulness it is.

Sarcasm. Trickier to handle, but trust Changmin to stubbornly fight his way from his original “shy dongsaeng” image to the “snarky maknae” one, in the process giving many a manager early hair losses over wild comments randomly tossed at a bewildered crowd. It worked, eventually. Junsu often regrets the way Changmin effectively estranged their fans from the blunt yet honest affection he feels toward them, but he figures that’s the closest to comfortable that Changmin can be regarding his stage persona.

Junsu got the village idiot. Don’t blame him for being bitter. He was given little choice in the matter, betrayed by his natural cheerfulness and willingness to make a fool of himself just to lighten the mood in tense situations. So he became the one who cracks the silly jokes. The one with the silly laughter. The one who doesn’t get it but that’s ok, he’s kind of stupid, everyone knows that, let’s just bully poor old Junsu further. Yes, he’s _still_ bitter, and yes, now he’s actually having a lot of fun pretending to be a dumb chicken – most of the time.

So here they are. Their signature flaws. The tiny discordances amidst an overall overwhelmingly perfect image that makes them look that much more human, that much less _idols_.

“I love you just the way you are” they say, gaze hypnotized by splendid rays of gold and red and tricked by the apparent shadow flickering just below. Blind to the real darkness prowling beneath.

Same as gemstones, idols don’t sell “just as they are”.

Same as gemstones, idols were taught to hide what they truly are.

Gemstones are anything but flawless, encased in dirt and rocks and stained by a millennial wait within the dark depths of earth. Idols are just as damaged. Just as dirtied. Just as ugly.

Junsu knows their true flaws. He looks for them, collects them, treasures them like as many fragments of their reality. He needs to prove himself that they are something beyond _this_ – beyond a stage name and a public figure distorted through the kaleidoscope of fame and adulation. The despicable. The twisted. The mean, low, cruel and unloved.

 

The morning when Jaejoong had a hair stylist fired because she _talked too much_ and he had not gone through two full days without sleeping, three TV shows, two countries, four meetings and now a third photo shot to hear some _stupid bitch_ blabber in his ears like a _brainless idiot_ about how _fucking nice_ he looked. Yeah Jaejoong looked bloody _nice_ and guess what it’d _feel_ bloody nice if she would _shut the fuck up_.

Junsu still remembers her young face… crestfallen, ashen, terrified, and the way she froze – the way every single member of their staff abruptly stopped moving. The sudden apprehensive silence in the dressing room only broken when she started uttering apologies, holding back tears, shaking so badly that the flat iron fell from her trembling hands, and burned Jaejoong’s hand in the process.

He also remembers the look Jaejoong gave her when she left, fully aware that it’d be her last time in that room and most likely the end of her dream. Dark and disdainful, just like Jaejoong could be when he was pushed too far and someone had to pay. Junsu remembers being relieved that today, Jaejoong had exploded on someone that wasn’t him.

 

The nights when Yoochun just didn’t give a fuck anymore and got pissed drunk, and unleased the downright _mean_ side of him that he was so good at hiding in front of cameras. Changmin may have claimed sarcasm but Yoochun was the one who knew exactly where and how it _hurt_. He understood each one of them the best – on good days that made him the best shoulder to cry on, but on bad days (and they were many) he could made their entire group a mess in a matter of minutes.

Yoochun knew about Changmin’s inferiority complex toward the rest of them. Knew about Jaejoong’s struggles in admitting that he might – just might – be gay and how that would be the end of his career if anyone learned about it. Knew about Yunho’s eating disorders and how damn hard he had to try merely to keep his weight under control. Knew about Junsu’s irrational fear of losing his voice one day, just like this, for no reason at all like it had happened once, and how it kept him awake at night and prompted him to sing and sing for hours just to make sure it wouldn’t go away _again_.

Yoochun knew and on those nights when he drank too much, he took all those and expertly made them into barbed words, pouring acid on open wounds when they were all exhausted, scared, and deep down so fragile already.

 

The evening Yunho brought both Yoochun and Changmin to the dancing room and made them stand in front of him. An evening that was just one among several others, really… when he talked to them in that firm, cold, dry voice about how this was no playground, not the place for half-assed efforts, and definitely not one where they could think they’d get away by just _pretending_ to be trying, because they were _not_. And he wouldn’t allow that. They both made Yunho sick, made him wish they’d kept with the original plan… at least Four Seasons was sweat and efforts and real passion – but this, he had said, _this_ was pathetic and not even worthy of being called _trying_. It was shit. Useless shit. Yunho didn’t care that it was past midnight, he didn’t care that it was hard, _of course_ it was hard, they were bloody Dong Bang Shin Ki and if they wanted to stay as such, then they’d better start acting like it _now_.

Now years later, Junsu remembers that, weirdly, the one who’d screamed was Yoochun, and the one who’d cried was Changmin. But it’s also true that they were still young back then. Still so young, and Junsu had not dared say anything.

 

The days when Changmin snaps. Granted it took a long time before that side of him broke through, but Junsu never remembers the times when Changmin did lose it without a nervous pang to his heart.

Granted, Changmin just quietly endures it 99% of the time, however, slowly… slowly but steadily, the unforgiving sanding down of his every shortage broke him too, and it began.

At first it was objects – like, storming through the apartment after being chased by sasaengs for the best part of the evening and tearing down all fans’ gifts in sight. Kicking the doors open. Then the shelf in the entrance. Yoochun’s alarm clock. Yunho’s suitcase. Glasses. Plates. Bottles. The dinner table once, his bedroom’s wall, and even his own guitar. Until one day he stood up to Jaejoong who was telling him to calm down, _please_ , and screamed, shouted at the top of his lungs and Junsu realized belatedly that Changmin _wanted_ it to get physical. Changmin knew Jaejoong was the only one who’d rise up to the blatant aggressiveness, who’d understand the need to throw punches and hurt and let it _out_ , and they fought, viciously. Once. Twice. More, until Junsu lost count.

Toward the end he flew away to his room at the first signs of Changmin’s anger. He put his earphones on and turned the volume to the maximum to drown out the sounds of Jaejoong and Changmin fighting, of Yoochun’s helpless sobs and Yunho’s distressed calls for them to stop.

 

Junsu is selfish, and a coward. He never intervened, never tried to stop any of it, content to just run to his room and pretend everything was fine whenever any of the four others was stirring up trouble. He complains to Junho about it, how his bandmates keep making a mess, how it’s upsetting him.

He never sits down next to Jaejoong like Yunho does when the older man is furious and fuming to quietly talk him through bitter hopes and spoiled dreams. He never stands up to Yunho like Yoochun tries to do when the leader pushes them all too far, too rough, too hard. He never defends Changmin when Yoochun tells their youngest that try all he might, he’s the only one who never fought and yearned for this like the rest of them did for their entire childhood. He never tries to protect Jaejoong when Changmin’s punches fall blindly and mercilessly on the other’s smaller frame.

Junsu looks at them and sometimes tells himself a little smugly that he’s faring better than them. That in the end he’s the only one who’s truly made for this, who knows. That maybe, just maybe, it’d be easier if he were alone on the path to his dreams.

Junsu is selfish and a coward, and he knows it, and he knows they know, just like he’s aware of each of their mistakes, each of their imperfections, each regret and each wound they carry in their hearts.

 

 

_“Idols are gemstones.”_

Junsu wrote this one day in the recording room, waiting for the staff to get the necessary equipment ready before they could start recording their latest Japanese single. He was scribbling on his music sheet, pretending to be studying his lines while discreetly glancing at the other members.

Yunho and Yoochun endlessly repeating the same handful of syllables, their voices mingling low and deep for the first line of the chorus. Changmin rhythmically tapping his fingers against his thigh, frowning as he tried to nail down the exact right tempo for his part. Jaejoong standing by the window, gazing outside as he harmonized randomly around the song’s core melody, having mastered his lines with seemingly no effort.

Junsu watched them and the words just fell from the tip of his pen.

 

 

On TV, Yunho jokes about Jaejoong being really cranky when he’s tired and how bad he is with jetlag. During an interview, Changmin manages an offended look as he motions toward Yunho and says “he told me I should just quit if I wasn’t serious”. Yoochun shrugs a little when a journalists says he heard that he gets homesick really easily, and answers that he’s grateful that the other members know him well enough to forgive him. To fans, Jaejoong jokes that they always know where Junsu is when he’s not with them because he has no life and no friends, and will most likely be in his room calling Junho, thank god for his twin brother. To MCs, Junsu laughs as he says that Jaejoong and Changmin’s “One Touch” thing is the scariest stuff he’s ever seen and they are probably not quite human, if you ask him.

 

 

At some point of time, they have come to know each other well enough to hide their respective imperfections, the ones that wouldn’t wear off no matter how many times they were told to be better, be enough, be _perfect_.

And now they cannot get any better than this, Junsu realized. They will never be enough. They will never be perfect – not _just as they are_ – and the very moment those sides of them they have struggled so hard to fix are finally exposed, they will lose everything.

They are gemstones pretending not to have ever been flawed. They are paper planes aimed at the burning sun. They are damaged souls twisting their shadows into angels’ wings. They are idols created solely for the sake and in the eyes of fans who will love and worship that image of them – a perfect illusion only slightly fissured by the idea they built of what would be a perfect scar.  

They are not who they are, and sometimes Junsu wonders if it’s worth it. Why he does this. When it became this way, how it happened, what he should have done not to end up as a poor representation of himself – as pristine as it is fabricated – every act, every smile and every word learned and polished.

Sometimes Junsu imagines that he’s tearing it down.

He knows it’s going to happen anyway. They’re heading toward their own destruction at an increasing speed, each single one of them – a person can only pretend to be perfect for so long, and whatever else they may be, they are only humans. They are going to break, Junsu knows, all of them, one after the other.

He thinks the first will be either Yoochun or Changmin – feelings too rough, unbending, never quite fitting in the mold they have been forced to accommodate. He thinks the last will be Jaejoong. He isn’t sure why. Maybe because Jaejoong is the one who needs that sad illusion the most amidst the five of them.

Junsu knows very well it’s only a matter of time before their world shatters around them.

A gem turned back to stone. A burned sheet of paper. Devils crying burning tears of relief and regrets, idols trampled under the feet of the very persons who once built and worshiped them.

Fallen gods… fallen gods in the east, and the idea makes Junsu’s lips twist in a wry smile.

 

He looks up when they call out his name and tell him to get ready, because the recording is about to start.

Junsu takes his usual spot at the end of the line, and he watches the four men on his left. The reality of them. The evidence of their flaws that he watches over carefully and cherishes despite himself, and that so few people would be able to handle if they actually knew.

Junsu watches them as they sing, greedy, entranced, and he thinks _‘whatever, it’s their loss’_.

No one knows their secret – the dark they carefully conceal… the bruises, the frightful, deformed, selfish, burned, beaten, scorned and forsaken. No one knows, and while it’s better that way, and while it’s not meant to last, at least it brought them here, and Junsu can never deny how profoundly grateful that makes him.

No one knows the rough stones cradling those gems they claim to cherish without knowing where they come from and the price they had to pay.  

 

No one knows what Jaejoong sees when he closes his eyes like this and parts his lips, and effortlessly releases a magical flow of music, a soft spell that seems to open up the sky and reveal a slice of the heavens beyond.  

No one knows the minute work and passionate longing Yunho is delicately crafting into every word, every sound, every minute of this moment that’s his dream come true, the reason why he lives, his fight and his eternity.

No one knows the reason behind Yoochun’s torn voice as it rises, shakes, breaks through and finally gives birth to the notes wrenched from his heart, as if he’s singing them in his blood and flesh rather than just with air.

No one knows the sudden rush of blood in Changmin’s heart when it’s time for his own voice to rise and blend with the others, and he feels like he belongs, and he gives up his entire soul to the only life he knows.

No one knows their secret… the secret that will be their downfall the moment it’s exposed. The secret that only Junsu knows – that they might not be idols after all.

That somewhere along the way, they unearthed a trickle of freedom and all desperately latched onto that light, hurriedly and haphazardly tied their crooked feelings to a fly of music notes meant to reach to the starlit sky they’ve named their fans after.

That sometimes, they allow themselves to be _‘just who they are’_ … darkness hovering freely in an ocean of lights, a vibrant flaw that tears through their unison just right, just as Junsu’s voice rises and joins as last, adding his own humanity to a fragile and ephemeral cathedral of gems and stones alike.

**Author's Note:**

> So this kind of happened... I guess because I was upset over the reactions I'm seeing in fandom following Yoochun's IG message, and instead of sleeping as I should be I'm writing stuff in the middle of the night. Great.  
> I do respect everyone's opinions and decisions, but I also feel I'm entitled to my own feelings and here they are...  
> Thank you for reading <3


End file.
